Free Lesson Teaches How to Strengthen Your Relationships by Managing Your Emotional Reactions
Published: Tue, 05/28/19
The following lesson is from our Certified Relationship Coaching Program. It will support you to make any relationship better by managing your reactive emotions.I hope you enjoy it!
Manage Your Emotionally Reactive State
By Dr. Joe Rubino
http://www.certifiedrelationshipcoaching.com/
There are few things that can destroy a relationship as rapidly as when partners get into the habit of reacting emotionally with anger, sadness, or fear to what the other partner says or does.
Allow me to provide you with a bit of background information. Every human being is wired from an early age to react in an emotional manner to life’s unending series of upsets. For the most part, this automatic knee-jerk habit of reacting to what others’ say or do with an emotional charge began before the age of 6, and has been reinforced with each upsetting event ever since. The way we are triggered to react to these life upsets is largely invisible to most people. In short, someone says or does something that brings up for us an early misinterpretation regarding something we can’t own about who we think we are, an upsetting interpretation about who other people are for us, or some dysfunctional view of the world that keeps us limited and suffering.
Our misinterpretations are thoughts we make up or negative assumptions given to us by others that we buy into and assume to be true. These interpretations upset us and we live our entire lives trying to avoid them. They are the source of most upsets and arguments that occur and can destroy our relationships if left unchecked. Our emotionally reactive mood states are the glue that keeps the misinterpretation habit in place in relationships. One partner observes a factual situation. They immediately apply some meaning to what was said or done. This interpretation sends them into their most familiar mood (usually anger, but it could be sadness or fear.) For most partners in a close relationship, this mood gets triggered as anger. The anger is typically first directed at your partner when you blame them for treating you unfairly in some way or saying something that triggers you but it can also be directed inwardly at yourself, devastating your concept of self-worth.
The anger also will have a flavor to it that is influenced by the judgment you make about what your partner said or did. It might be indignant anger (How dare you!) if you judge that your partner has wronged you unjustly. Perhaps your anger may be marked by righteousness (I can’t believe you could do something so terrible to me...). It might span the gamut from irritated or disgusted anger to full-blown rage, depending upon how dramatically the episode triggers your sense of right and wrong. This feeling of anger is often accompanied by a physical response in your body. Some people become hot or red in the face. Others feel a tension or pain in their jaws as they clench their teeth. Still others may feel the hairs rise up on the back of their necks. Some may be stricken with pain in their head or stomach. It is helpful to become aware of your own physical reaction to any situation that triggers an angry response. This physical cue is a warning sign that it is time to stop, drop and feel. Stop the action and take a minute to analyze exactly what is going on.
Drop the negative energy and release the anger that has you react negatively toward your partner who you feel is triggering your emotional reaction. Feel the opportunity to reinterpret the situation and exit the destructive cycle that would lead to further erosion of your relationship and loss of self-esteem.
For most partners in a relationship, the mood of anger is the predominant emotion. Some rapidly transform the anger into sadness or fear. This can be such a familiar and speedy transition that these people will only be primarily aware of being sad or fearful, rather than angry. Often, this is due to their ability to immediately suppress anger, locating themselves in the more acceptable emotions of sadness or fear. People who have a tendency toward sadness will unconsciously scan for interpretations that will “make them” sad. If your tendency is toward sadness, recognize how often you take what your partner says or does and interpret it so that it “makes you sad.” The reality is that YOU made YOU sad, not your partner!
The same applies to fear. If being afraid is your prevalent mood, you will use every opportunity to become frightened. You will interpret situations or what your partner says or does to be dangerous or scary while the same events would not trigger fear for those with a different mood. Learning to reinterpret what your partner says and does so you have no reactive emotional state attached to your new interpretation is the secret to breaking the cycle that sabotages your relationship, happiness and self-esteem.
Avoid those gestures, words, and triggers that you know drive your partner crazy. Some people drive their partners away with nit-picking, fault-finding or constant nagging. No matter what they do, it never appears to be good enough. The superior partner would always have done it better, faster, more profitably, or somehow more efficiently. Others may be guilty of speaking in a degrading tone or condescending manner, mocking, belittling or making their partner feel small, stupid, incompetent, unworthy, or otherwise deficient. Others retreat into their caves or give their partners the silent treatment or cold shoulder for extended periods of time. Everyone who has ever been in a long-term relationship has been guilty of one of these behaviors at some time.
After a while, each partner becomes very familiar with their partner’s hot buttons and areas of vulnerability. In an effort to irritate them, get them back for something you perceived they did to you, to exert control over them or to try to avoid being dominated by them, you say or do the very thing that you know will send them through the roof! Of course, this sort of behavior “causes” your partner to react negatively in a manner that provides them with their emotional fix. They react with anger, retreat with sadness, or recoil in fear to the provocations that are so often intended to garner a reaction. You can do your part to enhance the harmony of your relationship by both avoiding those words and deeds that provoke your partner to react negatively and when your partner does those things that irk you, control your emotionally reactive nature.
Give up your right to react with anger, sadness, or fear. Release the negative mood that has you ready to lunge at your partner and further add fuel to the fire. Create an empowering interpretation that strengthens your relationship, and take positive action to build the bond in that moment, rather than get your partner back! Your ability to both restrain from provocative behavior that will drive your partner to react poorly and your ability to restrain yourself from reacting to their behavior will combine to create stability, harmony, and respect that will strengthen your relationship daily.
Exercise: Reflect upon a few recent upsets with your partner. Identify your most prevalent reactive emotional state. It will likely be some form of anger, fear or sadness. In each instance, distinguish the facts of what your partner said or did from any interpretations you created that caused you to react in a negative way.
Create a new and empowering interpretation about what your partner said or did in each upsetting instance that will be result in you strengthening your relationship, taking full responsibility for your own emotions, and developing the habit of not reacting or allowing your partner to trigger you in a negative emotional manner.
Catch yourself before becoming upset with your partner. Ask yourself...
1. What happened, that is, what are the facts about what my partner said or did?
2. What negative meaning did I apply to these facts?
3. What empowering interpretation can I create about this situation that will support the relationship?
4. Am I willing to give up my right to be chronically angry, sad, or afraid with regard to my partner?
5. Identify how each upset is more about you rather than your partner.
6. Identify the ways that you provoke your partner to react negatively.
7. Manage your communication with the intention of honoring your partner at all times with your words and deeds. Know that your partner does NOT have the power to provoke you to react negatively or violently… unless you give that power to them.
8. Journal your progress daily. Note when you fall short of your intentional communication and commit to cleaning up any mess and doing better next time.
9. Catch yourself before you react and work on developing the habit of non-attachment and non-reaction. Remember, it’s NOT that you don’t have a right to be angry, sad, or afraid. It is rather that being chronically in these emotional moods does not serve your posture, your attractiveness, your relationship, your happiness, or your personal power. This ability to trust yourself to be nonreactive will increase your self-esteem, self-confidence, attractiveness to your partner and allow you to exit the drama cycle of dysfunction that characterizes the dance you and your partner are accustomed to doing.
Note: The above is just one of 24 powerful lessons that will support your relationships to thrive.
To learn more about our Certified Relationship Coaching Program, visit http://www.certifiedrelationshipcoaching.com/
To Your Best Life,
Joe
Dr. Joe Rubino