Free Article to Make Your Relationship Soar
Published: Fri, 02/14/20
Happy Valentines Day!
Today's article and exercises are about Communicating Cleanly and with Loving Respect.
One of the fastest ways to destroy a relationship is by taking the other person for granted and failing to communicate with love and respect at all times. After the newness of a relationship wears off, partners often tend to forget that it is critically important to speak with a partner with the same respect that you would give to a stranger who you admire and wish to build a relationship. This lackadaisical approach to relating dishonors the other person and soon festers into a relationship killer.
In times of stress, it is often easier to speak from the complacency that fails to offer a partner the respect they deserve at all times. When one partner loses patience, is in a bad mood, or angry with the other partner or disturbed because of any other situation, and they allow their mood to negatively influence the manner in which they communicate, they run the risk of setting a precedence for disrespectful communication. Calling the other person bad names during an argument, demeaning their character or competence, or otherwise treating them with disrespect can quickly turn a relationship cold and can accelerate similar behavior in turn. Before long, not only is loving compassion but courteous respect gone and replaced by behavior that continues to cause the relationship to spiral downward out of control. Speaking without respect to a partner in front of others leaves resentment and animosity behind that is tough to forget (and forgive.) Once established, such precedence is difficult to reverse. In fact, this sort of sloppy communication is contagious. When practiced by one partner, it will soon certainly be adopted by the other. A downward spiral of ineffective, disrespectful communication is sure to follow, damaging the relationship and destroying the bond between the partners.
Another habit that is sure to deteriorate a relationship involves unclean communication. This might include lying, hiding the truth, deceptive behavior, insulting insinuations, covert digs, or otherwise speaking or acting without respect and transparency. Since we all interact with each other’s energy, it is important that our thoughts, intentions, words, and actions be based in love and concern for the other person. When covert, negative, mean, or destructive motives flavor our interactions, our partners are sure to pick up on the unsaid behind our intentions. This “unclean” type of communication will soon lead to growing resentment and unproductive communication and behavior in return. Before long, the destructive habits of both parties can grow out of control, damaging trust, destroying commitment, and leading to more self-sabotage.
So what do you do when you forget this important guiding principle and react with communication that is void of loving respect? The answer is...you catch yourself in that moment, apologize for your failure and commit to your partner not to do so again. As human beings, everyone can occasionally lose control and communicate in a manner that does not support a strong and loving relationship. However, if this sort of behavior becomes commonplace, it will create a tsunami of destruction in its wake. It is critical that each partner do whatever it takes to manage their negative or reactive communication before the damage is done. Failure to do so will eventually cause any apologies to lose effectiveness as the partner becomes accustomed to the bad behavior that will take its toll on the relationship. When a partner does err, it is important that the apology that ensues be heartfelt and a sincere commitment to do better accompany it. A persistent habit of disrespectful talk or behavior will no longer be easily reversed by apologies if repeated consistently without positive improvement in communication.
Here are some concrete steps a partner can take to communicate cleanly and with loving respect:
1. Model the behavior you wish your partner to emulate. Do not fall into the trap of justifying your bad communication or behavior because of your partners.
This sort of tit for tat is a relationship killer with neither party taking responsibility for their actions.
2. When you forget to communicate in a manner that reflects your respect and love for your partner, catch yourself in that moment and offer a sincere apology. Commit to doing better in the future.
3. Do not attempt to justify your bad behavior for any reason. Everyone has bad days but they do not excuse such lapses.
Responsibility for all your actions means that you are the source of everything that you do and all situations that you provoke.
Realize this and commit to not repeating past trespasses.
4. If you sense an energy of resentment building in your partner, do not step over it. Create a sincere opening for your partner to share what their concern is with you.
When they do, do not argue, interrupt or invalidate what they say. Wait until they are complete before offering any constructive response.
5. Remember, your goal during any such communication is NOT to be right and win the argument. It is to listen attentively and look for
a way to diffuse a potentially destructive situation. You have a choice...you can be right or you can happy and have your relationship work...but you can’t be both. So choose wisely.
6. Practice being a good listener. If you find yourself speaking more that you listen, this should present a big red flag that your communication is ineffective. Do not interrupt, raise your voice, play the victim role, or try to one up your partner in any way. Listen with a sincere intention to have your partner be heard, honored and respected.
7. Periodically, check in with your partner to ask how you are doing. Does your partner feel heard and respected?
Do they feel loved and appreciated or manipulated, dishonored and controlled?
Accept feedback with gratitude for your development and without argument.
The feedback is given for your benefit and the benefit of your relationship, whether you agree with it or not.
For more relationship saving and championing tips or to become a Certified Relationship Coach visit http://certifiedrelationshipcoaching.com
To Your Best Relationship,
Joe
Dr. Joe Rubino